Huston we have a problem (Nowe)

"I wouldn't be too sure of that, Evelyn. It may seem as if the older vampires feel nothing but perhaps they are just good at hiding what they are feeling. They've had a lot of time to practice after all." He considered himself to be fairly good at hiding his feelings for the most part. There were times when not hiding was useful but for the most part he tended to try and act cold and emotionless, to be the scary bodyguard type everyone expected him to be as Evelyn's guard. He watched her hand for a moment as she touched his but did not return the gesture for the simple reason he knew how Evelyn was about touching and was never sure how she'd react if he returned the small gestures of affection she showed him. "It's not guilt, exactly. It's uncertainty. My feelings are my own, Evelyn, there's no need for you to bother yourself with what I'm feeling. If I think it's important, however, and you insist I tell you things, I will speak to you about them." Luckily, he rarely considered things he felt to be important enough to bother Evelyn with.

He knew she'd disagree with him. She was stubborn and wouldn't be likely to admit she was doing things to herself. "Ja. By choice, Evelyn. My being alone is not the issue here. But if you must know, I cannot see myself loving someone enough to have a lasting relationship with them. I do seek out companionship from time to time but not for a lasting amount of time. I just...do not feel love the way others might." Sure he loved Evelyn but not strongly enough to really pursue her for a relationship. Her reasoning made him give her a look that said he didn't quite believe her. "Are you happy? Working all the time, stressed over everything that happens at the school, fretting every day that you'll become an emotionless monster? I rarely see you smile and you don't laugh much. So can you really say you're happy and fulfilled?"

When she scoffed at his suggestion that she wasn't the same person he could only shrug. "Only because you choose not to see it yourself." Was his only response. And he gave her a slightly innocent look when she questioned his suggestion. "You should be open to being with someone. If that someone is a woman then why resist? Times have changed. People will hardly bat an eye at your choice of partner if you happen to choose a woman over a man." Old fashioned ideals were hard for some to get over. He had never really given much thought to what others thought about his choice in partners. "Evelyn Varrow" He gave her a look. "I am aware that you're not a lesbian. I am not gay but I enjoy the company of other men. Don't think of it as being a lesbian, think of it as being flexible. Besides, you hate men so women are your only other option are they not? As I said, if you lock your feelings away you'll lose them for certain."

Nowe sighed and rubbed his eyes as if he were tired. "It's not that either. It's just...I've never really had anyone to share such things with. I don't know how. I'm used to keeping things to myself and not speaking of them to others. It's just how I am." He explained, noting the frown and briefly wondering what she thought that would make her look that way. But just as he wouldn't share, he wouldn't ask about her thoughts when it didn't seem necessary for him to do so. At least not right at that moment. Maybe later he would ask.

"You've loved before, Evelyn. You can love again. I, on the other hand, have never felt such a love. I have never been with anyone that made me look at them the way you look at that portrait of your daughter. I am not sure I'm capable of such love." Or maybe he just needed to meet the right person. But if he hadn't met said person in almost 600 years it was unlikely he'd ever meet them. But then again....there was that angel...but no. He wouldn't think about him right now. Besides, he barely knew the fae. Though the thought that this was something Evelyn would want to hear about did cross his mind. But for now, as with so many thoughts and questions before, he chose not to bring it up just then. When she said she was happy he shook his head. "I do not believe you. When was the last time you truly smiled or laughed? When was the last time you took time for yourself and attended a party just for the sake of enjoying the night or took a day to work on one of your paintings?" He knew a lot of her daily routine. None of those things were a part of her schedule unless she was trying to finagle donations for the school or flattering some uppity rich client who had made a large donation.

"Am I not allowed to simply be concerned that my best friend is completely alone in life?" He questioned in return. "I cannot stand to see you devoting so much to the school and refusing to show emotions to the point where they've been kept inside for so long they burst out in the form of rage and that leads to the death of a student. You need something else to take your mind away from everything you deal with on a daily basis. You need someone to vent to or some other outlet for everything you keep bottled up inside." Whether it was him or Freya or someone else he didn't care. He just didn't want her to snap again and kill a student or anyone else. Not only would that be dangerous for her but for the school as well and protecting the school and it's dean from such publicity and the public backlash wasn't something Nowe really knew how to handle. "I wouldn't judge you. And it is I and those closest to you that matter the most. They," Here he waved a hand in an expansive gesture to indicate the rest of the world. "Don't matter. If it's what you want and it makes you happy then go for it and forget the rest of the world."

He knew hearing of his...interests made her uncomfortable and a part of him found it slightly amusing to make her squirm just a little bit. He wasn't entirely certain she'd been aware of his preferences. It simply wasn't a subject they'd spoken about much for the simple fact it was just....one of those things people didn't just discuss because they felt like it. "With time even the tallest and sturdiest mountain crumbles, Evelyn. Some faster than others. It depends on the outside forces working on weakening them. Trust me, I know." But Evelyn's stubbornness hadn't been weakened enough yet (nor had his for that matter but he knew it was happening). He was working on it but it would take time. Maybe Freya, if she was serious about her feelings for Evelyn, would be the extra force needed to break her down all the way. "You are infuriatingly stubborn, mein Mariposa (my butterfly). You only don't have time because you refuse to make time. I highly doubt the school would simply cease to exist if you didn't devote every minute of every day to it."

"Yes we are. Perhaps it is the nature of vampires, though, to be secretive." Though he knew in his case it was more an inability to speak of what he was feeling when he had, for a long time, been told to hide his feelings and be cold and calculated. When she spoke of the love for a child, he could do little more than shrug and give a dismissive wave of his hand. "I haven't had the pleasure of knowing such love in either form. Despite the fact I am older than you are you have experienced things I will never know." Marriage and children were something he had never, and never would, be able to experience. From a relatively young age he'd been trained to kill. And then he'd been turned into a vampire. Children were out of the question entirely though love was technically still possible he wasn't sure how anyone could possibly fall in love with him when he didn't really know how to show it in return. "Are you saying you do not want to have the love you shared with your first husband again? That all you care about now is the school, the stress of being dean and this cold, heartless facade you put on for everyone? You're happy with that? It's all you need to be content with life?" He didn't know why he was being so persistent about this but he felt it necessary. Or was he just trying to force on her the things that he wanted for himself that he felt he couldn't have?

No, she didn't prod into his love life and he couldn't argue with that. But now that he was talking and opening up just a bit, something he didn't do often, he couldn't stop himself from speaking anyway. "And why not, I wonder? Are you too embarrassed in thinking I may have found happiness in another man's embrace? Or do you simply not care for my happiness? I may not show it often, Evelyn, but I do crave companionship on occasion. Some part of me wishes I could be different, that I could have experienced the life you did, the life that others have now. I wonder if I am missing something in being alone. I don't know how to be in a relationship but that doesn't mean I don't think about what it might be like if I was a different person." He knew why some vampires created fledglings to keep around for awhile. It kept one from being alone all the time. Maybe he'd been alone for too long. Which made him wonder, could he possibly make some manner of relationship work? There was that Fae. As annoying as the boy had been initially, he wasn't a bad guy. Sort of interesting actually. And cute. "Take up a hobby, then if it suits you. Return to your painting. Your happiness isn't irrelevant to me but if you're going to be stubborn then so be it. But don't forget what this school cost Victor and the pain his dedication to it caused those people that cared about him."

"Butterflies aren't meant to be made of stone and ice, Evelyn. Nor are women, even if they are vampires." Was his only response to her saying she wouldn't crumble anytime soon. "As for the school. Get an assistant Dean or whatever you would call it. A back-up. Someone that can oversee things while you're away. That way the school is always under control.....as much as it can be....and you can have time for yourself. Or for someone else if you'll take the risk." As much as he wished she would listen to him, he knew he wouldn't change her mind over night and he was at a point where if they persisted with this discussion they'd just end up angry with one another which wouldn't do anyone any good. "If nothing else, at least think about what I've said. Until then, what do you plan to do with the girl?"

Nowe found his mind a mess of conflicting emotions. On the one side, he was glad he had no connections, no one that would cause him pain like Evelyn clearly felt when speaking of her children. But on the other side he was jealous of her. There were many thing that she had experienced in her life than he had, things he would never know. Was he really that lucky? The things Evelyn had experienced had left her cold, angry and distant. But was he all that different? He was a murderer, he killed because he was ordered too and felt nothing for the lives he'd taken. No remorse, no guilt, nothing. Both their lives had shaped them and not for the first time he wondered what his life might have been like had things been different. What if he'd never ventured into the Assassin's workshop? What if they'd never met the Vampire Mistress who had killed his mentor and promised him money, power and immortality? Evelyn's voice broke into his thoughts and he nodded at her words. He knew she knew what she was taking on, what this place had cost Victor. And he had no doubt in his mind if it came to choosing between sacrificing him to save the school, Evelyn would do it. He accepted it but it didn't mean he liked it. He liked to think he meant a bit more to her than that but he was sure he didn't.

The surprise in her tone almost made him smile. He had kept things well hidden from her if she'd had no idea he felt any of the things he'd just admitted to. Or maybe she just hadn't paid attention. Either way she'd never suspected him of being anything more than the cold, silent killer he let the world think he was. Sociopath had been a word used to describe him on numerous occasions and he knew it was part true. But he felt things; cared about people, not many of them, but he cared all the same. Sociopaths didn't care. "Friends ask things though. I'm not asking you to pry into every aspect of my life, in fact I'd prefer if you didn't. But....ask me what I did on my day off. If I look distracted, ask me why. Little things like that." He still didn't know why it mattered to him. It really shouldn't have bothered him at all but things had been off lately. A lot of things weren't making a hell of a lot of sense right now and he was certain he should have just kept his mouth shut. But it was too late now to take back what he'd said. So he pushed forward, he didn't really have many other options anyway. "But how do I find what I'm looking for if I don't know what that is? I feel it, this....sort of emptiness inside...but I have no idea what fits there or how to go about finding it. How do I proceed when I don't know where to start?" A name danced at the edges of his thoughts and he irritably pushed it aside but then relented and allowed his mind to wander. Maybe Fate really was intervening in his life in a way that made no sense at all. Zachariel, the Angel of Death, lingered in his thoughts more often than he deemed appropriate but maybe there was a reason?

The following topic of conversation was all but lost as he considered Zach. The boy intrigued him, he couldn't deny that. There was also a certain attraction that had nothing to do with curiosity; he couldn't deny that one either. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more the idea appealed to him. As irritating as Reaper had been when they'd first met he wasn't as bad as Nowe had wanted him to be. He'd wanted a reason to dislike him because he'd been in a foul mood then. Once his mood had cooled and Reaper wasn't acting like an ass, Nowe found he was...well...interesting. He was only half listening to Evelyn as she spoke and sighed when she said she'd think about it. His immediate though was 'about what?' before he recalled what he'd said prior. "I suppose that's the best I can ask for. But unless an assistant falls out of the sky and you find yourself stuck with one I doubt you'll do anything with my suggestion." He gave her a half-smile. He knew her well enough to know she wouldn't change her mind without either a direct order from someone she would never defy or lots and lots of patient convincing. He wasn't currently feeling yo to either of those things so he let the subject go. When she spoke of the girl he gave her a stern look. "Do not bite her again. You should have let me do it in the first place. I don't drink bagged blood, I can handle it." Of course, he didn't usually drink fae blood but that was a minor detail. It was easier to either find a fae to nibble on or wean himself back onto human blood. It was much harder going from living blood, especially fae blood, to the disgustingly stale bagged stuff.

He stood and was ready to leave things at that but he paused and looked at Evelyn. "I need to look into the student records of a boy by the name of Zachariel, a fae. He's a person of...personal interest to me." He said it before he could change his mind. He didn't need Evelyn's permission, exactly, as he guard he had access to everything she did, just in case anything ever happened and things needed to be hid or files deleted like they never existed. But he said it anyway, more to let her know he was going to be accessing files than anything else but also, in part, because a small part of him was curious to know how she'd respond. Would she ask why Zachariel was of interest to him? Would she wonder what personal connection they had? Or would she simply let it go and give him her permission to do what he'd been planning on doing with out without her consent?